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Wander Knot | Blog

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Being Vulnerable. Releasing Fear.

One of those things that seem like it just happened yesterday but at the same time feels like it was another lifetime. A year ago to the day I went skydiving in Moab, Utah. It was a spiritual release of all that had been holding me back, letting go of expectations, and touching ground with a fresh start. Not a soul in the world knew the thought of free falling 10,000 feet back down to Earth was even an idea in my head before I set off on my epic road trip. I made certain no one knew that I was going to jump prior; in fact I actually kept is a secret until I returned home over a week later. It seems to be a running trend that the most profound planned experiences I have are confidential. But for over 2 months I had prepared for this intense moment at Skydive Moab, and it far exceeded any epicness that I even thought was possible. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no expectations of what was about to happen. One thing I took away from this experience was the idea of just letting go.

The night before jumping I found a pull off in Arches National Park to sleep. I decided to wake up at 3:00 AM and capture the mystical sky revolving around the northern star with Balanced Rock standing tall in the foreground. I stood alone in the dark, cold night knowing I had to be at the airport in 5 hours. I was scared. Certain some nervousness came from being outside in the middle of the night clueless at what was around me because I couldn't use a flashlight, but I was about to jump out of a plane very soon. Vulnerability had set in.

Funny thing about vulnerability, it seems to be a necessary step to feel deeply and truly connect. Being vulnerable is a good thing; let that sink in for a minute. I have discovered over the past few months that I was not as accepting to the idea of being vulnerable as I thought I was a year ago. After facing personal issues later in the year, I also realized that I hadn't fully released expectations of outcomes either. I hadn't learned to love all of me: good, bad, and the ugly. Sure I adored the shining, adventurous spirit I hold thinking that was enough to be fulfilled, but what about the less grand attributes. What about the girl who clung to attachments with a death grip?

I began a meditation regimen in late 2016 for all the wrong reasons. But the more I started doing it for myself and letting go of what I expected to gain from meditation, the greater my reward was. What I began to see within - the lies I would attempt to tell myself, the pain, the emptiness - led me to a rude awakening. Crying and screaming to floating and laughing at times, I discovered truth. I started being open with myself, and as hard as it was facing darkness I began to feel. Intensely and honestly. I slowly learned to accept all of me. The realization of no longer fearing what I have buried for so long is pure enlightenment. Darkness cannot hide when acknowledged. I chose to feel all emotions that rise, allow them to pass through every cell, and then graciously release. The more vulnerable I consciously choose to be, the deeper I allow myself to feel genuine emotions and the greater my authenticity shines. 

Life is a journey of experiences that have the power to change you for the better or worse but nevertheless ever-changing. {insert John Mayer lyric: 'give your heart then change your mind, you're allowed to do it' } Through it all remember to be kind to yourself, patient, and love yourself as constant as the north star.

arches national park star trail photography

I've said it before and I'll say it again: 

My heart belongs to the mountains,
and my soul lives in the canyons.

I stepped out on the ledge and took a glimpse of the snowy mountains in the distance. With eyes wide open, I fell back to the canyons. At the bottom the instructor asked what my favorite part was and what was the scariest part - coming out of the plane. It's funny how that works out.

jumping out of a plane
skydiving over canyons
skydiving in utah
skydiving expecatations

More skydiving photos and the incredible video on post Welcome Back To Earth Beautiful Spirit.

Because I can't seem to end a blog without a music video and also shows how the Universe and synchronicity is no joke. Fun fact: Just minutes before I was scheduled to be at Canyonlands Field, I made a quick pit stop at a wannabe gas station with just a single porta potty because my bladder was a bit nervous. As I walk into the store to browse for a quick moment (and found my Moab coffee mug!), I realized the song playing over the speakers - Free Fallin' and of course it was John Mayer's cover version because that's how my life works. I knew this was a sign that all is well, and my badass mode kicked in. I busted through the doors and owned this shit that was about to go down.